Outlander and The Path to Brave Relationships
What Makes Jamie Fraser such a good partner and how you can be one too.
If COVID-19 quarantine has driven you to a nightly Starz or Netflix routine and you are one of the million or so people who’ve chosen to commit to Outlander, maybe you too have secretly fallen in love with Jamie Fraser. He’s not only charming, handsome, buff, smart and sexy; he’s a brave and powerful warrior. He’s the kind of man everyone admires. Even my own macho husband has replaced his affirmative with “Aye” to be more like him.
But if you want to be more like Jamie Fraser, you’d have to adopt some qualities that do not meet the eye. That is because Outlander author, Diana Gabaldon, brilliantly imbued this tough-as-nails character with softer skills as well. His lines and language consistently model relationship skills that make James Alexander Malcolm MacKenzie Fraser of Lallybroch, not just brave and heroic but intensely likable too. You can adopt Jamie Fraser’s model and become a more likable, better person as well. Keep reading to find out how.
Leverage Science and Lead Like a Warrior
In recent years, professor and author Brene’ Brown researched and analyzed the qualities of great leaders. She and her team graciously made that information available to all of us by unpacking what the data means and putting it into language and terms all of us can access.
Interesting to know that even though it is a new and emerging science, the qualities of great leadership can be traced back throughout history. So, even though the creators of Jamie’s character may have leaned on modern day behavioral science from Dr. Brown’s book, Dare to Lead: Brave Work. Tough Conversations. Whole Hearts. It’s likely true that Scottish clansmen and other great leaders of centuries past, embodied these qualities naturally.
Bravery Begins with Trust
Self-improvement can be challenging. Learning new habits and putting them into place can be difficult. Luckily the hours you have invested tuned into Outlander, can be counted as educational and here is why. We all like people we can trust and by learning these seven qualities you can be that kind of likable warrior too.
To get started, we need to look at Brene’ Brown’s definition of trust, the basis of all relationships. Her work outlines how to achieve trust using the seven letters of BRAVING as a guide. Let’s take a look at exactly what builds trust (and by extension connections and relationships) with examples from Outlander wherein Jamie Fraser puts Brene’ Brown’s ideas to work.
Boundaries prevent compromise. Are your boundaries set and clearly expressed? Can people know what to expect from you because it’s consistent or do you waiver? When you aren’t sure of your own boundaries you compromise yourself but it also makes it hard for others to know where you stand. Over and over again, Jamie is clear what he will and will not fight for. He won’t compromise his values for personal gain or his own comfort, his boundaries are clear.
Reliability delivers trust. Are you able to deliver what you promise both at home and at work? Or, do you sometimes find yourself over promising and hoping nobody notices that you failed to fully deliver? Guess what…. they noticed. To be polite and generous (see “G” below) they won’t point it out, but the failure to deliver on commitments erodes the trust (and the relationship) with your friends, family and co-workers.
In Outlander, Jamie commits to keeping Claire safe. He saves her life, time and again rescuing her from the hands of the Redcoats, Black Jack Randall and host of other unsavory types. Claire learns quickly that he can be trusted. Jamie knew his abilities and focused his energy on keeping his commitment to her. He never over promises.
Accountability means apologizing. That means you own your mistakes, apologize and make amends. When Jamie has made a mistake, as all humans do, he doesn’t brush it aside, manipulate the story or turn it around to make himself look innocent. He owns it and apologizes. That’s something many of us should be doing a lot more of, probably several times a day, if we are truly honest with ourselves. There is no better way to alienate others than to run from our own accountability.
Vaults are safe. Is it ever hard to keep information or big news you’ve heard to yourself? Do you lack the self-control to sit on exciting information? Do you share what is not yours? Well, that’s a big trust building no, no.
Being like a vault means you don’t share information or experiences that are not yours to share. Claire is a time traveler and that would have been big and exciting news to share, but Jamie wisely kept it under his hat; even when he could have used it to his advantage, he was a vault. When he did finally enlighten Murtagh with the details of Claire’s provenance, it was with her advance and full consensus.
Integrity is taking out the trash. Choosing courage over comfort, a simple concept really, but one that is often avoided. How many times a day do we, without even thinking about it, lean toward the easier choice rather than the right choice. If you pay attention, you might notice that it is a daily habit. Not sure about that? Go ahead and keep count for a couple of days, you might be surprised what you find.
Noticing that the kitchen trash is full but figuring you can get away just jamming it down rather than taking it out- let someone else be the one to do the chore. Is that an example from your own playbook? In households across America, it happens all the time but, it equates to choosing what is easy over what is right.
Jamie seems to make his life harder and harder as the series goes on, and if you pay attention you can trace how making the courageous choice, over the easy choice leads him to situations of great discomfort. The payoff: his integrity remains intact. If he let go of his integrity his life wouldn’t carry meaning. Remember when he remained shackled in a dungeon-like prison for three years? He survived these tremendous hardships because his integrity allowed him to maintain his values and self-respect despite; his circumstances.
Non-judgmental thinking is heavy lifting. Carl Jung, said “Thinking is difficult, that is why most people judge.” If you are noticing that you are quick to judge, it’s not a good habit. Rather, choose to be curious and discover the other person’s model of the situation.
There is so much more to learn than you know, if you can be open to others’ stories and perspectives, you can learn and grow. It’s human nature to hold onto what we know while discarding new ideas; it keeps ambiguity at bay and keeps us feeling safe. But to grow we need to let go of some safety and comfort and aspire to see the world from a higher level.
In every episode of Outlander, I found myself moved that Jamie was consistently curious and open to learning from Claire. He could have shut down her thinking, not uncommon for a man during the 18th century, after all, he was a native of Scotland and his time, certainly he knew the the culture and politics better than a Sassenach.
Despite his this advantage, time after time, he offered his full attention to her thoughts and together they envisioned greater outcomes. His life was deeply enriched by withholding his judgment and embracing what was new. Your life can be richer too.
Give a little, get a lot. Generosity means “to give more than is strictly expected” and is usually referenced in terms of time or money but, there is another area in which you can be generous and that is in your interpretations of others’ words or actions. If we assume negative intent in others, then that is what we will experience. It is an act of generosity to assume the best intentions and it is something we can apply in most of our day to day lives. How many times a day you interpret another’s actions as a direct intentional affront. It’s not helping you or the relationship at all. Give grace.
There are plenty of opportunities for Jamie to be offended by his sister Janet’s harsh words; she sets him straight a time or two. But, rather than being angered, he gives her grace and hears that her intentions are supportive. When we are offended, it means we aren’t listening for true meaning, we are listening in preparation to defend ourselves.
You Can Lead Like a Warrior Everyday
It’s interesting to note that Jamie Fraser is not just a brave warrior, he’s a brave human. That’s because he consistently exemplifies the behaviors of BRAVING. It takes courage to let go of what we know and where we feel safe. But with some intentional effort, you too can be as brave as Laird James Fraser. And since we are all leaders in at least one domain of our lives, you don’t need a kilt, sword or Jacobite rebellion to prove it. Go ahead, connect with your inner warrior and see what happens when you put BRAVING trust to work in your home, with your co-workers, with your friends or even just yourself. Are you brave enough to try?
